February 21, 2011

Sh*t! but damn true!

I’ll never understand, why people use Twitter. If you have a Facebook profile/page, then you pretty much have a Twitter-like mechanism commonly known as the “Status Update”.

The problem with the status update is there’s no set-in-stone way to use it. With Twitter you only get 140 characters to get your point across. The Facebook status update should work in the same way, but people have yet to figure out things like “brevity” and “coherence”. Thus, we are saddled with having to put up with an endless array of bizarre Update-isms; proving that if you hand people some micro-blogging technology that has no built in system of rules, they will become flustered and post anything as long as it’s still in the realm of “something”.

1. Being Vague

Example:

Riding on a wave of self-loathing. If only you could understand. None of you ever will.

In every friends list there is the one guy or girl that refuses to ever come out and clarify just what the hell their updates even mean. They hide their messages behind metaphor and perplexing language that can mean almost anything. The example above is something I actually saw on a profile (his privacy controls were set to Everyone) not too long ago.

What does it mean? Who knows? But what we do know is that no less than 5 friends of this updater asked the same type of question, “What’s wrong?” and “Is everything okay?” Clearly, people that post vague, cryptic status updates need a hug, or perhaps they would be happy with a slight knowing nod as you pass them on the street, or, if you want to go the vague and bemusing route, ‘like it’ then leave a comment where you call them a drama-feeding moron.

2. Passive Sh*t-talking

Example:

Don’t you just hate it when certain ‘best friends’ turn out to be your worst enemies?

While complaining is a common human reaction to bad circumstances, if you whine passively, never once putting a face on what you’re whining about, you’re just showing off one of the many ways a person can be hardcore-emotional on the internet. That’s when you get shitty status updates where people who are presumably boiling with anger think it devilishly slick to advertise their rage in a dreadfully ambiguous way, making sure no one gets offended.

3. Inspirational Wisdom

Example:

Success is a journey, not a destination.

If you can’t stand by your word you stand for nothing.

What is it about the status update that turns everybody in to Tony Robbins? Are people lying on the couch with their notebooks (or netbooks/macbooks..whatever they use) sucking juice from their near-dry neurons while trying to come up with pithy enlightening slogans that aren’t even good enough for bumper stickers?

Some Facebook users seem to have some kind of mystical, all-knowing wisdom that was granted to them by a cosmic force that we mere mortals don’t have the brain capacity to even fathom. Sadly, this mystical force only granted them with the power to spout out small bursts of intelligence that would seem more convincing if it wasn’t typed and delivered to you by the same person who has an entire Facebook photo album of numerous versions of the same pictures.

4. Quotes

Example:

Every man dies. Not every man really lives” – William Wallace

The quote is perhaps the most subversively annoying of the bunch as you have to give it some thought and perform some small observations to fully appreciate its stupidity. Thankfully for you, I did that part for you.

The quote sucks because…all friends of the updater give the quote a Thumbs Up, as if the updater had actually come up with the quote themselves. In essence, these people are rewarding and praising the updater for figuring out how to copy and paste…which is the same thing we would do to a chimp if he learns how to copy and paste.

5. A Whole Lot of Nothing

Example:

Just got home.

about to shower!

My dog chewed my sandals while I was in the shower!!!

Still wet from the shower.

‘bout to eat. Yummmmm!

This chicken tastes funny.

I think that chicken is giving me the shits!!

Micro-blogging has given rise to people that feel everything they do is news worthy of ‘round-the-clock news coverage on a cable news channel. Unless the updater is giving an up-to-the-minute account of their current adventure in a dense rain forest as they do battle with demon goats from hell while the fate of mankind hangs in the balance, then they probably shouldn’t be concerned with informing us of their every action.

This mentality is indicative of a person whose life is so dull that they feel they have to over-compensate by announcing their every thought and action to the world in the hopes that at least one person on their friends list will finally speak up and tell them to just shut up. Th

at one minor digital argument will be the closest thing to excitement they will have had in weeks.

This is the type of shit we usually see in status updates. No need to write about the sh*t in Facebook Notes. (You have just seen one). :D